Leave me the Biznitch alone.

There's this guy who runs our local shop and I hate him talking to me.

We moved to our little house a year ago, and I remember thinking what a bonus it was having a 24hr corner shop 2 minutes away for late night Galaxy Minstrel cravings. Sure it's a NISA and i'd personally take any of the following over this particular chain:

  1. Sainsburys
  2. Tesco's Express
  3. Tesco's Metro
  4. Waitrose (for fancy dayz)
  5. Marks & Spencers (for equally fancy dayz)
  6. Co-op
  7. Budgens
  8. Any other shop that sells essential food items.

But so what. As long as it sold those weird unbranded versions of foam bananas, foam shrimp, lips and teeth jellies, why complain?

 

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The problem with this guy is two fold. There's the quite deep rooted annoyance at this guy's inability to properly communicate with humans and also my reaction to judgement. I'll try and keep both brief.

My very basic problem is that most of the time I go in with my headphones on, only wanting to be in the shop for a maximum of 6 minutes and make a speedy exit with my Walkers Tear 'N' (don't) Share. I do NOT want to make small talk 90% of the time and I don't have to justify that. I don't want to have banter, i've got my whastapp threads for that and I'm usually in some bizarre concoction of half lounge wear, half pyjama and one sixth yoga legging hoping no one is papping me (i'm always papped - so annoying). Please let me be in my little world, my job as a teacher and business owner is very much about sending my energy to others, let me hold onto my forces for just my baked bean dash.

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Secondly and probably the most importantly; he judges my shopping.

Every time, without fail.

Some HILARIOUS comments have included "Why are you being so healthy", "These are actually really bad for you" and his personal award winning gag "Is this all today YOUNG lady".  I'm often left really speechless from my overwhelming anger to answer him. But I've spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on training to be a schmactor and I think I could pull off some of the below reactions. Let me know which one you think is going to give me this year's NAFTA (NISA Association For Twats and Arseholes. Obviously).

"I'm being so healthy because I actually have only 2 months to live. I have this very rare disease that means my body is slowly turning inside out, I can show you it if you want but if the inside out bit comes into contact with air it pusses and smells like a turd. That's a risk you take though to see a medical marvel." Then walk out. 

"Are they bad for you? As bad as this *pulls out small bag of white power*" Then walk out. Leave bag on the counter. 

"Yes this is all I am buying because I can't spend anymore of my precious time at this counter. You judge everything I buy, every time I come in, making me want to buy less of your products and therefore giving you less money. Which is not the point of your shop. You infuriate me with gum chewing and looking around and always expect me to know that you are talking to me. Don't call me a young lady, it's really REALLY condescending and people only use that when they want to subtly state a hierarchy of ME OLDER MAN YOU YOUNGER LADY (beats gorilla chest). FACT. And by the by, if someone has their headphones in, they don't want to talk to you. Why you so dumb?"

"Knob off". Then don't walk out - "shit forgot the milk".

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Maybe I'm being a grouch. Maybe I'm expressing my right to not allow knobs to have access to my vibe because he really makes my skin crawl. Anyway, the 12 minute walk to the random corner shop that I don't even know the name of is one.hundred.per.cent.worth.it.

Do you have any knoblets you strategically avoid/dodge/ninja-style-contemporary-dance behind objects and around corners when you see someone coming?

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