"Ground control to Major Tom"
Not really life though is it?
I've always had an issue with control. What I mean is, I need it, I crave it and I ensure I am in IT all the time. It has the ability to turn me into a demon version of myself. I see the problems, I swoop in and no one stands a freakin' chance. I basically eat everyone alive and I can't step back and watch things fail.
A control freak, it's the most subtle egotistical thing someone can be.
The need comes from a pattern of behaviours in my past that I haven't previously been able to be in control of. They've been pretty devastating and i've even tried to control the situations after i've failed to control them (mind ffffffuuuuucccckkk). Therefore the consequences of NOT being in control are associated with those moments in my life that were less than rosy. I think that if i'm in control I will be safe and nothing bad will happen. In many ways it's my survival instincts from a learned behaviour to protect my conscious self. As always, the affect on the unconscious (because control for me is very surface level and practical) is neglected and through processes and interaction of both, ultimately, there is always an impact on the conscious, whether it's immediate or later on.
I can become an actual bitch. No biznitchin'. Just plain old bitch balls. The following things have all happened to me when i've not been in "full control" of a situation:
- Tears (lots of them)
- Anger (and then tears)
- Rude & short with people around me
- I go into uber control mode and push myself mentally and physically until I feel completely in control.
- Sometimes, not often, I will shut down or flee.
- I can't sleep.
- I can't eat.
- I think of all the terrible things will happen because I'm not controlling outcomes.
- I control other aspects in my life to compensate for those I can't.
So what are you doing about it?
Learning. Lots and lots of learning. I have to often "test the water" for situations. I take away what I would consider being in control to see what happens. I often need to see that a disaster does not occur, and even if something does go wrong, it allows me to sit in that feeling and get used to it. By protecting myself in this hyper controlled way, i'm actually preventing myself from feeling things such as failure, mistakes, general basic fuck ups. So when they do happen my system is like WTAF and I don't have the tools to deal with it. So yes. I'm letting things fuck up more.
Patience. Stop, breathe, listen, respond. Rather than-
It means I can try and organise my thoughts and not have knee jerk control, rather a well-managed organised response to things. Taking into account the people around me, how I am coming across and just generally being a kinder, better human being.
Reflect. The biggest thing I can do is look at past events, even if they were 20 minutes ago and try and unpack them. Understand why I did that, maybe apologise to someone if i've just acted like a total dick and then think about if that exact situation happens again, how I would handle it differently.
What else? Gimme more.
Yoga - This has allowed me to implement the feeling of letting go and avoiding self judgement.
Regular small exercise - Takes me out of the world for 20 minutes...an hour.........where I can't have access to my phone to try and manipulate future situations.
Test and delegate - Test not being in control and give clear instructions up front rather than controlling consistently. Then step back.
Make lists - The control can come from an actual dis-organised mind, even though physically I seem and feel put together. Writing it down makes it more concise and easier to see.
Honesty - Especially when running my business, if I feel like things aren't going to plan, take a moment to speak to that person, let them know what action needs to be taken and let them get on with it. Rather than doing it myself, clearly instruct and give the tools to deliver. But also making that moment important so it can come across as kind encouragement rather than a fierce criticism.
So to all my fellow control freaks out there, keep doing you, living your best Biznitchin' life, but also remember to be mindful of our judgements and how our best intentions can be damaging. And sometimes, just sometimes, our way may not be the best and only way.